Sibling Rivalry: Preparing Your Toddler for a New Baby

Some sibling rivalry is normal when a new baby arrives. Your toddler has gone from having your full attention to sharing it with a small, noisy newcomer, and jealousy, clinginess, tantrums or a step back in skills like toilet training are common ways of showing it. You can help by preparing your toddler gently during the pregnancy, keeping their routine steady, protecting a little one-to-one time every day, and responding to big feelings with patience rather than punishment.

This guide covers how to prepare your toddler before the birth, the first days at home, everyday ways to ease rivalry, how to handle rough behaviour towards the baby, and when to get extra support.

Why toddlers struggle with a new baby

To a 2-year-old, a new sibling is a huge change they didn’t ask for. They can’t yet understand why you’re tired, why the baby is always being fed, or why visitors fuss over someone who can’t even play. They also don’t have the words to say “I feel left out”, so the feeling comes out in behaviour.

Common reactions in the weeks and months after the birth include:

• Clinginess, or refusing to let anyone but mum do things
• More tantrums and testing of limits
• Going back to “baby” behaviour: wanting a bottle, baby talk, toilet accidents
• Sleep changes, including night waking or difficulty settling
• Rough handling of the baby, or ignoring the baby completely

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) describes regression, such as a toilet-trained child having accidents or wanting a bottle, as normal and your older child’s way of making sure they still have your love and attention. It usually passes as the family settles.

Preparing your toddler during pregnancy

Telling them about the baby

Toddlers have little sense of time, so there’s no need to announce the news the moment you know. Many parents start talking about it once the bump is showing, or once the toddler starts noticing changes. Link the timing to something they understand, such as “the baby will come after Chinese New Year” or “when it’s your birthday soon”.

• Read picture books about becoming a big brother or sister, and about what newborns do
• Look at photos of your toddler as a baby and tell them stories about when they were little
• Play with a doll, practising gentle touch, nappy changes and “shh, the baby’s sleeping”
• Be honest that babies cry a lot, sleep a lot and can’t play yet, so they aren’t disappointed
• Involve them in small choices, like picking a muslin or a toy for the baby

Time big changes carefully

The AAP suggests finishing toilet training or the move from cot to bed before the baby arrives if you can, and otherwise waiting until the baby is settled at home. The same goes for starting childcare or changing helpers. If your toddler needs to move out of the cot for the baby, make the switch a couple of months ahead so it doesn’t feel like being pushed out.

Plan who will care for them during the birth

Tell your toddler who will look after them when you go to the hospital, whether that’s a grandparent, your partner or your helper, and practise with a short stay beforehand if it’s new for them. Pack a small bag of their favourite things too.

The first meeting and first weeks at home

• Have empty arms for your toddler. When they first visit or you come home, let someone else hold the baby so you can greet your older child with a hug first.
• A small gift “from the baby” is a tradition many families use, and the AAP also suggests a special gift for the older child.
• Ask visitors to say hello to your toddler first. In Singapore, the confinement month and full-month celebrations can bring a stream of relatives. A quick word asking them to greet the big sibling before the baby makes a real difference.
• Keep their routine as normal as possible. Same bedtime, same childcare days, same favourite songs.
• Accept help from family, a helper or a confinement nanny with baby care, so that you or your partner can spend time with your toddler.

Everyday ways to ease sibling rivalry

Protect one-to-one time

Ten to fifteen minutes of undivided time each day, while the baby naps or someone else holds them, can do more than any amount of reassurance. Let your toddler choose the activity and call it “our special time”. The AAP suggests fitting this into daily routines, such as a chat at bedtime.

Give them a role

Toddlers love to be useful. They can fetch a nappy, choose the baby’s outfit, sing to the baby or “read” a book to them. Praise the helping, but don’t insist if they’re not interested.

Narrate the baby’s interest in them

Point out how the baby watches them: “Look, she’s smiling at you. She loves your singing.” It helps your toddler feel important rather than replaced.

Name the feelings

It’s okay for your toddler not to love the baby all the time. You might say, “It’s hard when Mummy has to feed the baby. You wish I could play with you right now.” Feeling understood often calms things more than distraction. Avoid phrases like “you’re the big one, you should know better”, which can build resentment.

Feeding time

Feeds can be flashpoints. Keep a basket of special books or quiet toys that only come out during feeds, or let your toddler snuggle up beside you for a story while you feed.

Avoid comparisons

Try not to compare your children, now or later (“Your brother was walking by now”). Each child needs to feel valued for who they are.

When your toddler is rough with the baby

Hitting, squeezing or pushing the baby is common, and usually comes from big feelings rather than real intent to hurt. Respond calmly and firmly:

1. Step in straight away and gently move your toddler’s hands: “I won’t let you hit the baby.”
2. Name the feeling: “You’re feeling cross. You can stamp your feet or squeeze this pillow.”
3. Show what to do instead: “Gentle hands, like this,” and praise gentle touch when you see it.
4. Give your toddler attention when they’re being kind, not only when there’s trouble.

Shouting, smacking or long lectures tend to increase jealousy. Our guide to positive discipline for toddlers explains calm limits and consequences, and our toddler tantrums guide covers what to do in a meltdown.

When to get extra support

Most toddlers adjust within weeks to a few months. Talk to your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician if:

• Regression or distress continues for many months or keeps getting worse
• Your toddler seems withdrawn, stops eating well, or loses skills they had
• Aggression towards the baby is frequent and you can’t keep everyone safe
• Sleep problems, such as frequent night terrors, are affecting the family

Look after yourself too. Juggling a newborn and a toddler is exhausting. If you are feeling low, anxious or overwhelmed for more than two weeks, speak to your doctor; our guide to postnatal depression in Singapore lists where to get help.

For more ideas, the AAP has a helpful page on preparing your family for a new baby.

The bottom line

• Jealousy, clinginess and regression are normal reactions to a new sibling
• Prepare with books, photos and doll play, and time big changes away from the birth
• Greet your toddler first, ask visitors to do the same, and keep routines steady
• Daily one-to-one time and naming feelings ease rivalry more than reassurance alone
• Stop rough behaviour calmly, and never leave a toddler alone with a newborn